Help

I am one of those kind of people who rarely watch anything but can watch the same movie several times. This one in particular is kind of disturbing, I think that's because it doesn't' have the typical happily ever after ending, at least for one of the characters in the movie. I have imagined the rewriting of the script and how I would have liked to see it end. I am not sure why I periodically feel the need to view a movie that irritates me so. I watched it for the umpteenth time on the computer today. In a kind of tongue and cheek way the movie is a reminder that life doesn't always turn out the way we think it should nor the way we want it to. All to consumed the movie can make one laugh, cry or think and touch on the many emotions we rarely care to acknowledge. Sometimes it is just a matter of comparison to a situation in my own life, ah the clicking on of the little buttons in the mind that cause you to think.
Reviewing my own situation and wondering what part I have to play in it all. Lack of decision making, denial, refusal to stand up for myself or all of the above. I had read this book on saying no," How to say NO!" I must admit that I have found it difficult to express myself in certain situations. Several reasons surface, one that I prefer not to cause issues and two I don't want to always come across as the bad guy. I feel torn and troubled and most of all I feel like I lack the control over my own life. Sometimes there is just no easy way to deal with things. Why is it so difficult to put self first in importance. I think the words, but before they make it to my lips, I talk myself out of speaking.
I have always believed that life is some how predetermined and that we are to sent to experience to learn and educate those who will follow after us. Yet sometimes I feel not prepared for that which is thrust upon me. I pray for strength and guidance to lead me forward.
As familiar as the path I am traveling appears it also is lavished with a quality of unfamiliarity. Like somehow I am lost on a long detour, hold my hand and help me find the way.