Smile I Am

A little more then five years ago I started on a journey. I opened the door and walked outside the perimeters of the self made prison. Four miles each day I walked two up and two on return,the experience that I had with the people I met was enlighting. I began to reach a little further. I had become stagnant in life and this was the beginning of a new opportunity. I explored the options of the internet, business and a road with many hills, bends and quite a few blind spots.

I loved, I lost,I discovered ,I felt,I explored
I woke up,I lived, welcome to my life.

In the year 2002 many changes happened, I volunteered at the missions to help others, I
found my way to the library, I started my own business. This new world that awaited me with chutes and ladders. I fell backwards sliding from the top of the mountain spiraling downward. The situation surrounding this fall was based on my own insecurities and my feelings of loneliness. Heart break and isolation created a cloth like veil from hell. Over the next few years there was a uneasiness of it all. I questioned my future, writing had become therapeutic and away of reaching out beyond the barriers.

As life moves on so did I, the next few years would advance from personal achievements to a world wide acceptance. There I was displaying my work for others to see, some accomplishment for a person who was relatively shy. The doors didn't swing open they slowly creaked open and in walked friendship and opportunities. I found myself traveling and exploring in ways I had never dreamed of or thought possible. The experiences that come from meeting so many people have widened my insight of life, giving me a complex view of a much larger picture.

My biggest dream came true, I for the first time took a drivers test and passed, it has been a set of highs and lows. So much I want to do and so much to see and each trip out like the first. So much ground to cover and only so much time. Fascinated by the art shows and the experiences that were unraveling before me each opening another door of opportunity. I felt as if I were on a step ladder and each step broadened my horizon. From lingerie to poetry, to skin care, my world was changing, my life was changing.

Having a book published, signing books and the fascination that comes with acceptance. Though at times I still felt very much like " the fish in the fish bowl"I found I could relate to peoples emotions but not to people themselves. A distance between us like a curtain, I was the performer and they merely cast members.

Then to have someone understand to know you inside and out and like what they saw, Not just part of who am but all of who I am the acceptance that flow over into all phases of my life. True acceptance, unconditional love, friendship and a partner on the journey.

Life is a ongoing book with many chapters, and day by day a new page is written. I think today the sun shined, the weather warmed and I felt a inner strength. What has the future in store? I questioned my motives and where they may lead, I questioned my inner strength and how long it would last.

I thought to my recent sadness and the darkness that occasionally encircles me. I have had a lifetime of giving and I was selfishly trying to gain back the lost years. I felt almost as if I had entered the personal era of a "midlife crisis".The winters hard set me back in away that I can't describe, each one was always harder then the next almost as if there was a cloud of darkness surrounding. This year was a struggle, but there was no cloud of darkness, only the warmth that your smile can bring.

Life is a game of fascination, when you stop exploring,you stop living.