I watched a silly Christmas movie. You know the kind where you laugh and you cry. When the movie ended I thought about what Christmas meant to me. Before I had children it was strictly hope and faith. Faith in the religious aspect, which centers on love and peace and hope that my life would have some kind of normal. When the children came along it put a different spin on the holiday. Part of me tried to create what I didn't have. I over indulged them to the point of exhaustion. It seemed I never seemed to get it right. Maybe it was that I put myself to much into the picture of what I expected the holidays to be. As I have matured, a kind way of saying I have gotten old. I think about what personally makes me happy. Well of course the holiday was funny and I did find myself laughing several times through the movie. But it all comes down to who we share it with. I have said goodbye to so many family members and I find myself personally alone. Who would think I would be alone. I do have adult children and grandchildren. But this kind of loneliness is different. It is that love of caring, concern, sharing that comes with two adults loving each other. Maybe I am over thinking or over emotional or both. There is a world of people that are alone, but that doesn't matter to the individual who finds them self lost , isolated. Might be that I made the wrong decisions or maybe the right decisions and I chose to be alone. My grave stone epitaph " Alone in a crowded room" I think many people don't understand what that means. It is not a choice , It is like not finding that person that completes you. I have made a lot of mistakes and that gets a person to where they are at. Sometimes that unique love doesn't exist or if it does I haven't found it. I had this conversation with my daughter. She was on a new date. She said " he is just way to into me and I don't feel it back" I said" When it's right you'll know it because there will be fireworks shooting in the air from both his and your heart." She smiled and said" yeah" But the irony is someone always loves a little more than the other and so those fireworks become rare. The season can be a bit melancholy everyday I want to pick up the phone and call my sisters and my brother and that's difficult as my heart breaks to this day from their absence. I guess that makes the holidays even more stressed because you want to spend time with people who are no longer here. Which brings me to seeing what want to see in people. I thought about the people I met along the way. It is about wanting the magic. Do we find magic or create magic? I am not sure. I guess I am just disheartened with the who life experience. It reminds me of researching my family ancestry. They become merely words on a paper but as I read bits of their story comes to life. I am tired to the point of exhaustion. So as the holiday quickly approached and I am not able to have my children gather together, I find myself looking back and feeling the need for hope and faith. I have the world will be a better place and hope for some kind of normal. In the end all we have is what we create. That is what I told my children" being a parent is making memories" with out memories we having nothing to claim. Sings the song " you've got to give a little , take a little , let your poor heart break a little, that is the glory of that is the story of love." The holidays may not be what we expect or want and many people will be alone due to the crazy covid virus . So I hope that we all survive through it to share the love in our hearts.. I was once told hating is an emotion equivalent to love it means you still care. So I can't go saying I hate the holidays for something that won't be the same this year. It is the child in me who loves the lights, the music, decorations and yes darn Christmas movies where the guy gets the girl. When it is all said and done I am the hopeless romantic.
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