I am still feeling a bit numb from the recent death of my brother. I was waiting for my son Nicholas to finish up with his recent deployment so as to go to dinner and take pictures, but it is true sometimes tomorrow never comes. I found myself reminiscing childhood and reviewing our relationship as adult brother and sister. As a child he was a very good big brother. We moved allot as children and so didn't really have many toys, mom said " you take what you can carry." It was the mid 1960's and my brother was home for a weekend from the military. He walked me up street and into a little shop that was kind of a general store of that time. He said "pick a doll any doll you want". I remember looking around and on the top shelf a little doll about seven inches tall caught my eye. " I'll take that one" My brother said" are you sure you want that little bitty doll, there are some really nice ones that walk and talk?" But the doll with freckles across the nose and curly light brown hair was just the right size to carry around. I still have her , I carried her with me through out my life , when all I was allowed to have was what I could carry. She has gotten weathered and she no longer has her original clothes. One day while viewing an auction I saw a new mint in box brand new vintage doll exactly like the one I had carried for forty five years. I thought I had to have it as if I could capture a moment in time. But as I held the new doll something was missing, pristine yet it lacked the memories of my childhood and in its perfection it was absent of the love that my old tattered doll possessed.
There are so many things in life that I have wanted to do and to say and I have put it aside or procrastinated. As I was driving down the road today, I felt this comfort behind the wheel of the car. Out of something really negative a positive came out of it. My mind bounced around like a ping pong ball. I thought of my mother and an the words she recently shared" he was suffering so , that I know he is at peace and yet I cry for myself, for my loss" It is the second sibling that has passed away and it never seems to get any easier. Five children grew up in a very troubled time each walking away with a very different view.
Sitting in front of the fan , I feel both warm and a cool chill, scanning my memories I feel both happiness and sadness. There are so many things I wanted to do and so many things I will never get a chance to do... So in case tomorrow never comes... I just want to say I love you, I love you with all my heart.