January without you

There is no denying that people are social creatures. Some people have the ability to overcome the need to be with others. The frigid temperatures are on obvious test as I find myself curled up in my bedroom with a warm blanket and nothing but memories to get me through the day. Sipping on a cup of tea, my mind wondering and a smile surfacing. I suppose the thought that spring is approximately eight weeks away is rather comforting, that is the glass is half full side of me talking. Now a days with technology, we can physically be alone but as close as a keyboard. That was until my lap top fried. You can't imagine what it is like to have that connection cut off from you. Ah, well that is the era in which we live and it comes with a downside. Surrounded by my house plants, it almost creates a mirage of the islands. Reminding me of a conversation I had with my sister , she said " I am not getting younger, if we are going to do it, we better do it soon." But you know that it doesn't always work that way, that life is somehow out of our control.
Writing has away of bringing the silence to life. Kind of like how many people read, I find that same empowerment by writing. It had become in some strange way like an online diary, that some people may read or not. Though that wasn't my intention that the world may get a glimpse of my inner soul. Actually it was my escape, whether writing by pen or typing, I could travel the world, walk hand in hand or wake up next to you. Magical in away that fueled my needs, my need to be accepted, loved, wanted and in a eerie kind of way respect my privacy.
Dinner in Paris or a walk along the Hudson, my imagination carried me anywhere I wanted to go. I found my self trapped not in the world of my surroundings, but in a world of fear. Like my desk that is in a disarray so is my life. I glanced at the objects that were scattered on the shelf below my desk monitor. Some of the items had a deep connection to a person or place and others a reminder of our vulnerability under the rule of time.
It is like turning pages of an old yellowed book and finding that the pages are crumbling before you, I found my life was really without direction.
The rarity of friendship, a reminder that true friendship is strong and faithful and without doubt eternal. It seemed that it wasn't about sharing my life, but a sharing of souls. I spoke out loud" can one really embrace heart and soul." There was never a doubt in my mind that an action could call out a reaction. Well let me explain, if you have to think about what you are going to say or what you are going to do, you are only reacting by what is expected of you. When you dance without request and sing from your heart and laughter rules the day, that is indeed the embrace of souls. You ask " how do you know?" I have danced upon the clouds, listened to the voice of my heart and embrace soul to soul.
I wouldn't call it melancholy, for I feel no threads of sadness nor am as restless as usual. It is kind of like being in purgatory at the moment, I can see the heavens and feel the wrath of the devil and yet I am trapped midway between both. There is the scream of silence that cries out to no response. It might be that everyone must face their heaven and hell and I am no different.

I want to run
but have yet to walk,
I want to scream,
but have yet to speak,
I want to live ,
but have yet to make
the choice.
I want to love but have
yet to be loved back.