I didn't think it was possible to miss anyone this much. I was thinking when I am busy and time is going fast and how you are missing me. Funny how things come around and bite you in the butt. I should be sleeping but I have these last minute things to finish for tomorrow, I am really not as prepared as usual. I have very little poetry prepared and absolutely no art work and I am not happy with the prints I had professionally done. Despite it all the music is soothing and I am enjooying the visual that come to mind as I close my eyes. I have gone over time and place, why we meet when we do, where we meet and the impact at that moment and how it plays into our life. I do believe we are subconsciously taught to he expectations that may or may not be good for us. There was a couple things in which I discussed with one of my sons. He asked why people go a lifetime with a person to at some point not feel the same towards them. I can' t speak for anyone else, I do know that when we are young we are hopeful, we believe that forgiveness brings new opportunity to right a wrong. Than as mistakes are made over and over, you realise that there is something wrong with hurting the person you claim to love and that hope fades like a star on a clouded night. I have learned late life what is acceptable of a partner, a lover and a friend and that in itself shines a new life on our way of life as we know it. I can't honestly say I have not been disappointed in my life and none if had to with errors in judgement, mistakes or hardship. We all have a vision of where we expect the road will lead us, when it doesn't necessarily turn out that way, there is a growing up stage we must face. I have felt the joy of helping one person to the excitement and laughter returned from another. I have been graced by the heavens with an opportunity to love and be loved, to feel that surge of excitement and to dream.
Sings: I felt your love take my hand and dance the night away, in a world where hearts and souls command both the blue and gray. We danced in the heavens, we cirled the earth and celebrated the moment our love was birthed. I felt your love take my hand and dance the night away, in a world where hearts and souls command both the blue and gray. Our hearts were touching, our souls entwined in a magical forever where I am yours and you are mine.
I felt your love take my hand and dance the night away, in a world where hearts and souls command both the blue and gray. We erased the mountains, we redirected the sea and sent a flock of blue birds to document the dream. I felt your love take my hand and dance the night away, in a world where hearts and souls command both the blue and gray. The moment will last forever no one can take it away for you have a place within my heart where you will alway stay.
No one is actually immune to the storms of life. In one way or another we all have the common factors, birth and death, happiness and sadness. How we respond through our emotions as well our actions separates us or brings us closer. The rigid walls of confinement create a limited view of our strengths and thus blankets us with a set of limitations upon the moment. As I again review the various chapters of my own life, not one of them is with regret. The fact is that I have learned so much from each experience. In my ongoing self analysis of my personality and how I myself had responded to the excitement for life, the pleasure of dreams and the world wide view that brought the most unique set of characters into my life.
The battle or confusion that surfaces has more to do with feeding the soul and calming the hunger for more and the continuing haunt that reveals itself through out my life. The day was filled with a rare blend of up and down emotions that spanned a lifetime. In working through them at my own pace, I went from radical thoughts to a calm that soothed my physical and emotional being. Nothing particularly changed other than I washed away the seeds of greed, cleansed my thoughts of negativity and allowed the peace of the moment to rise to the occasion.
I declared my love as real and warm and sensitive and that it does have the ability to reach out beyond the rigid barriers set by ones mind. I thought about what it was or what it is I really want out of life. The question didn't seem all that complicated and yet I had no real clear answer. Well of course I want what everyone wants and that is to be happy. What is this happiness we seek? I imagine it to be different for everyone. The heaviness that draped the last few days seem to disappear as quickly as they had fallen upon the moment. I took a deep breath and allowed my hands to glide over silky pillow beside me. I glanced into the mirror on the wall and in the reflection was indeed only one image of the flesh but two images of the spirit.
I am the blue sky, allow me to bring comfort to you both day and night. I am the ocean waves allow them to wake your spirit and prepare you the magic of love. I am the dreams that are both alluring and filled with desire, let them cast us the lead in every tomorrow. I am the air you breathe, take me into your very soul with each breath you take. I am love and I share this love with you, as my commitment to the bonding of our souls.
I am deliriously happy,
because I have awakened
from the dream to find you
had never truly left my side.
I hadn't heard in a very long time "how can you mend a broken heart" the song the Bee Gee's made so popular in the seventies. I listened over and over to the song and I couldn't stop the tears from strolling down my face. I thought compromise would keep him close to me, that if I settled for the moments, if I could just keep expectation at a distance, I would be able to handle it all easily. There is a ton of advice, " time heals, nothing can feel a void, don't detour, face reality, detach, keep busy, it is okay to cry, but better to laugh."
It seems that some people fall in and out of love quiet easily, or maybe it's just that they never fell in love at all. I think about all the people that have come in and out of my life, some like passing ships in the night, others a anchor which holds you steady. Each friendship, unique and wonderful and filled with fond memories.
Do we use people unconsciously to feel the void within us, need for them to bring us happiness? Like earth spinning on it's axle, we keep moving we provide our inner spirit with stability to face what the day brings to avoid the ups and downs.
I felt at times that had I in one perspective reached my goal, which was really rather simple. One that I would not have lingered so long in a state of purgatory. I had no outrageous demands and I felt a conversation in a honest setting would have brought a sense of peace to the situation. I also believe that we would grow together and that it would not have remained a stagnant one sided friendship but a multi sided look at the bonding of souls.
It has been many years now and as I look back at the woman who found courage and confidence, I realized I did it for the wrong reason. I wanted him to be proud of me, to know how much I loved him and to continue to grow through all of life's experiences.
Many people believe you can love again and deeply but never quite the same away again. I think that is true, we create shields, bring out the flags of caution and try to view in a more in depth way of looking at a person. The reality is every soul is different, what they offer, how they respond to life and their intended final goals.
I am struggling today, I haven't felt this heaviness in years. Partly because my mind is in several directions at one time and it is overwhelming. Work is dominating my life and I feel even with the time shared with family, separate and almost lost from them all. I am looking forward to seeing my son in S.C and that gives me a short term goal to work towards.
I personally believe that people become a part of you and to deny that would be to deny the existence of energy which flows from one person to the next. The heart is expandable the more it grows, the more experience it absorbs, the more love that flows through it. It is very much like a chapter book, as we turn the page, we don't leave behind what we have already explored we add to it, this growth is not unique, living life brings with it the miracle of the new day.
I have written thousands of letters in hopes that one day he would write back and than God went and sent me this wonderful friend, who never avoids my letters and always writes back. I am not always sure of everything and I know I don't have all the answers. This I am sure of I don't know where I would be without him, he said that is what being a friend is all about.He has more than once wiped my tears, listened over the years as I tried to work through this challenge of the moment and calls each morning to make sure I am okay and each night that I may sleep well. This letter is for you my friend.
My Dearest Friend,
I hope your day is going well and you are doing fine and that you have tons of sunshine. I know you are busy today but it doesn't stop me from missing you. Sometimes I feel so strong and my head seems to be on straight and I know what the bigger picture is and where the road is leading.Yet there are days like today where I teeter so that I am not even sure where it is I belong. Almost as if I feel separate from the world around me, as if I am walking in a bubble. Sometimes I am lost and without direction or just stumbling over each step.
This letter is really meant as a thank you, as I look back over the years, I think to myself how can I be so lucky to have such a friend as you. You have stood beside me through the darkest of situations, you reached out your hand when I barely could reach back and you brought a smile to my face on days where I didn't think there was a smile in me. The more we share, the more I realize how much was missing in my life.
I was thinking how this is very much a duel friendship and I laughed through the tears at the celebration of the windows and your escape from the toxic dump and than the summer came to mind where we went out of our way to spend time together despite the reluctance of a certain troll. My nose is snifflely and these silly tears won't keep from streaming down my face, but believe it or not I am doing it through a smile. From the lucky stone, to the slime, I think God how does he put up with me. I think it really is pretty easy to be ten, but to be mature and a woman, sucks big time. Where do I belong?
I think about the first time we met and how you adhered to your beliefs, " apple don't fall far from a tree and the little quirks that people have that you don't see in the words"and well I have to remind you that my worst problem in public is knowing when to shut up. I am working on that, I have learned to bite my bottom lip, step back and breathe.
There were times I didn't want to do the market and you encouraged me to go and give it my best. I am ever grateful for the time we share, for the lessons you have taught me and for the kindness that you bestow upon me on a daily basis.
I am a bit out of sort today so forgive me if I missed any of the more ecstatic moments. Like lunch in Italy and the blanket on the beach, Thank you for being a part of my life, for believing in me and bringing out the sunshine on the rainiest of days.
With love and great appreciation for an on going friendship that has taught me what it is to be a friend and to have a friend.
I Love You