I almost can't grasp how quickly time has passed. I Can't believe it has been ten years since I began writing. There is an old adage " the more things change the more they stay the same." Looking back the first words written were to hold on, a connection away of not letting go to a period of time. I remembering feel like death, not like wanting to die, but liking being dead already. The writing went through a sort of metamorphosis from a form of heartache, survival, a promise, gratitude, therapy and friendship. Once someone passing through said the blog was very good for my intended audience. My intended audience I believe is my soul speaking through my heart for the knowledge of my own being. I wrote to escape and to eventually heal and to do so end each writing on a positive note.
The years have been both a period of awakening and experiences. I went through believing everything people said to believing nothing people say. From a period of needing to a period of wanting and teetering between the two. I find myself at times reviewing the past and knowing very well that it was a time in passing and nothing can change what was already written. The thoughts bring forth many emotions. I question my actions , what have I done right? what have I done wrong? and where will the road I am on take me? I am frightened at times because I know no matter how many choices are made, some of life is out of our hands. Circumstance, fate and the network of life weave the threads in which we are bound.
I promised myself not to cry and yet I am overwhelmed. Like a fly trapped in a spiders web, life is consuming me. Occasionally I will read something that I wrote and not even remember that time period. Where were my thoughts? The journey has been filled with many highs and lows, many achievements and many failures and still I find myself grateful for the period of time traveled on a long and winding road. Like the rolling hills of Pennsylvania, you are never sure what is over one hill or around the bend. It is those occasional blind spots that catch a person off guard and a few dead ends that you have redirecting.
Here we are at a point in life where there should be a little comfort zone and instead there is a mountain of unknown. Sometimes I think its not the unknown, it's the reality of knowing what the future holds, that is most frightening. The limitations which are placed upon us. Lately I have been in a trap like the movie " Ground Hog Day" Where every day seems like the next. As true as that may sound its far from reality as life stands still for no one and there little differences to each day.
It is crucial to listen with honesty to ones own thoughts, heart and soul. In the mountain of life there are many windows. I have gazed out each window and viewed laughter, lust, love , fear, expectation, inspiration, hope, faith, heartache, happiness,dreams and desire. I have seen many things which were within my reach and yet distanced by barriers only felt and seen by the mind.
Truth is coated in trickery, because it can take on many forms, depending on whose truth it is. I quiver as my fingers type the words my heart reveals. I can almost see the turning of pages in another chapter of life. My children are now young adults each choosing their own path in life. It is like a beginning to and end and end of one chapter and a beginning of another. I am not in any way melancholy, I frightened as hell. Like a puppet... who controls the strings of life?
Taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling, I see all the possibilities . The path of dirt needs concrete poured on it. I need bit of stability, clearing and a view that can reveal the direction in which I need to follow.
I shall free my spirit,
cleanse my soul anew,
reveal the trials of
the skies so blue.
I shall listen closely
and interpret with
the truth, the words
of life and to my soul
I'll not fear the unknown,
nor hold on to reigns of fear,
for tomorrow is a blessing
that hearts in love will share.