I can only remember a brief time in my life where I felt in control of my life. I tried to understand what exactly clicked into place that allowed me to be who I am. It was not any one particular thing , more like a puzzle and all the pieces fit. But since that time my life escalated out of my control like a massive twisting and turning slide, with no end. No matter how many steps forward, I find myself sliding back. Struggling to make it through a day , disconnected and lost.
I was at a flower show yesterday and smiling and laughing, the women said with all that is going on, it is amazing how you deal with it. They have no clue what is really going on in my life. I told them it was like the 60's song "the funny little clown. " I guess all my life I have been that way battling to rise above the negative that so anchored to my life. My educational display was received greatly and they want it to compete in the state competition. One of the women said they don't you are a professional. It made me think how about how we are perceived in this world. Inside I still feel like the ten year old ,except I know the world a little better than I did as a child.
It occurred to me as I have not been in the greatest of health and as I type aching all over, that reality " bites." There I am making products for others and to tired to get up and get and use them for myself.
Lost and feeling alone, I realized I no longer had the great escape. There was no place I could run, no place to get away, even the corners of my mine are filled. Each stride that takes me away reveals barriers like walls of steel that cannot be penetrated.
The Stations of life,
I experienced the passion of a day,
friendship and dreams so fine,
the heartache that comes from
living and the experiences that
scars for life.
I once felt the joy of freedom,
the compassion one soul feels
for another, the magic of life
when the heart no longer suffers.
But gone is my youth, my days
are lonely at best, I think of
all of my options and wonder
if I should go north, east or west.
They say" the grass is not greener,"
that "the sun shines on all corners
of life," that "you can't run from
your memories and that this is life's
greatest test. "
To my room I hid, where the day is
dark like the night and I laid there
thinking of tomorrow and the
twisting stroll of the rest of my life..