...

As I sat in a parking lot with no where to go, tears flowing down my face, the strangest things come to mind. When I was a child, my father not so happy with the situation at the time, he would say to me" I should have taken you and run away" He said it so many times that I began to wonder what life would have been like had he had that willpower, the faith and the health to make that step. I find myself almost trapped in a situation where I am not comfortable. Not so fond of my adult children at the moment and I find that what I put my life into was easily taken away by eminent domain. It makes you realize that we put such value on things that can be stripped away within minutes. I find myself saying, I want to pack up and move , run away start a new in South Carolina. But I also find my obligations to be fuzzy and very unclear. We start this journey as a infant , as one and we end it as one.
I looked around at my desk, there are a few mementos of people who tried to redirect the path, a snow globe, a crystal ball an angel, heart shaped frame with no picture and some bric-brac that the children gave me. I looked at it and I thought to myself, I am somehow not where I was meant to be. I don't know if like my father , if I have the willpower, faith and if my health will hold up, for me to continue on this journey .
Part of me knows that friendship, partnership, companions, lovers ,takes two to be all that it can be. I have felt like I have been so giving all my life, that there is not much left in me to give. Raising six children was a detour in itself. I find myself just wanting to scream out loud and say hey this isn't right, I want off this ship!!
My head spinning quickly falls into a memory of a hermit who lived up north in the woods. He had this little shack, gardened out back and there was nothing glamours at all about his life. But than I thought you know, if you don't bother with people you can't be hurt and if you have nothing , there is nothing to lose. The visual is clear, though I can't see his face, I can see the outer frame of his tattered clothing, the shack in which he called home and the simplicity of his life.
Once a friend she said " I have always been so jealous of you" I thought to myself, Jealous? Of what hard work? Of the trial and tributes of crazed and tattered path. Of the loneliness I have felt all my life? What was it she could possible be jealous of?

I can't explain the darkness
nor wish the gray away,
for the stinging of madness
pierces deeper everyday.

I find no arms of comfort,
only loneliness and despair
for all that I have embraced
emptiness is what adheres.

~
I am trying to land this on a positive note. I am having a difficult time of it. But here goes.

There are many bridges
that lead beyond our dreams,
above the hills and mountains,
arched over memories.

The sun was brightly shining,
the leaves of trees dancing in
the wind  and I knew at that
moment that all comes to and end.

There are no days of sorrow,
I linger not in the past nor
do I regret the choices , I'll be
free at last.

There is beauty in the moment,
I feel it in my heart, for I have
journeyed through this life and
recreated many a new path.

From your lips came comfort
and from your heart came care,
as I reached beyond the madness,
to once more sweet love share.