This is the first time since I began to showcase my work that I have canceled showing up for an event, well actually two events in one week. I could come up with all kinds of excuses and thought I haven't been well this week,nothing normally would have stopped me from getting out and meeting people.
I woke up early as I usually do around 4 am, showered and quickly prepared to leave. It was warm early in the day and kind of muggy but it started out as a good day. The directions I was given were easy to follow, it lead me direct to the event, I was actually early for the first time. A couple cars were in the driveway and I circled around and headed back home. I stopped in town said hello to the women at my usual stops, took a short jaunt through the fair ground market and then home.
It has been six years since the first time I realized that people saw my words as a gift. I thought about what had changed since the beginning when each word written was an escape. I had heard from those who supported me the most that I wasn't the same person, that I had grown. Like a child who takes itty bitty baby steps for the first time, I to remember the steps that encouraged me to reach out beyond the hills of the hollow. I also know that there is this true form of magic that breaks all barriers and it was capable of breaking the strongest of walls, that which we our self place around us called loneliness. Loneliness is so heavy that it can anchor a spirit and imprison the soul. In reaching out and feeling love and loving in return, I gained a tremendous amount of strength.
Looking back, I tried to remember what was my goal in exposing my soul. In all honesty it was to give validity to the strong emotions that I was feeling, those which had permeated my very being infusing strength, courage in a flow of excitement. I grasped almost in a state of frenzy to hold to that time which gave me the gifts that allowed me to be me. I was frightened of letting go, thus falling into the traps of the childhood game" chutes and ladders" up one ladder, down the slide. It seemed to be my life, not finding the happy medium, always feeling lost in it all. I again slipped back into thought, where was this all leading, where was I going with it all? It made me think of my younger years, when I was in my teens working in the restaurant. I always was intrigued by those who could come into the restaurant and have lunch or dinner alone. There was something about that, even after all these years, more then thirty to be exact, I can still see the faces of strangers. I have come to appreciate a certain amount of individual quiet time, but on the whole I find myself to be a people person always needing to share in life.
It has been two years now since I finally did it and took the test to have a drivers license, I thought it was a catch 22 first no license, now for a rural area, ugh gas. More then an hour from the metropolitian the hills themself are limiting. I am caught with one foot in the hollow and another in the clouds.