Soul Searching

The sun has made its way into a new position in the sky and if the hollow rarely enjoyed the warmth of the rays, that statement is even more so now. Sometimes it isn't till I leave the hollow that I realize how warm and sunny it is beyond the perimeters of the hollow. I was laying here in the darkness and my mind drifted to the first time I legally was behind the wheel of a car. I felt like the oldest teenager ever to get a drivers license. It was the unlocking of one barrier and yet as I drove that first day with tear filled eyes, I realized that I really didn't know where to go or where the road ahead would lead. I drove into town, stopped at the bank, walked through a few stores and visited a local restaurant for lunch. Independence, it is as if I had to rebuild my life all over again. There are many emotional challenges as well as understanding my own place in this world.
What is the importance of our life and where do all the experiences lead us? I looked at a handful or a list of my "first" I learned about our wants and needs and that loneliness is a sickness that eats away at the spirit. That kindred spirits do exist and that soul mates isn't a loosely and overused term, that there is a connection between people that clarifies who we are and where we belong. I have experienced a variety of friendships and found that each came with its only lesson. Even in light of the moment it didn't turn out like a well written romance book, but I did gain a tremendous amount of knowledge. I know that we can't dictate our emotions upon another, that we can't change who people are. I also learned that expectation only leads to disappointment and that taught me how to hold on and how to let go.
Friendship, as I close my eyes and look into the darkness a sense of peace is captured. With my mind I can not only sense your warmth, but feel it inside me. I have learned that there is a major difference between lust and love and love with lust is exciting and fun and lust without love is less than fulfilling.
Determined to continue to move foreword I took that which I committed to memory and as if consummating the chapters of and unfinished book I held tightly on to your hand and embraced what is. I still find a twinge to my heart that awakens me from the comfort mode. Why so restless I ask my soul? The images of a new born child within my arms created a vision as long as life itself. There is a certain amount of fear in not knowing what tomorrow brings and where it will lead us next.
Intricately woven with loose threads all around, it is the complication of our desires, dreams, needs and wants and the reality of the possibilities that are complicated by our thoughts. Simplicity appears as an image of peace, lying in your arms, kissing you good morning, a walk along the shore. The ability to love and be loved, to follow the dreams is the next chapter waiting to be written.



Declaration of my gratitude

It is most certain and very
clear that you were right
and I need not fear.

That time reveals all
that shall be and
choices and decisions
are all that lead.

That hearts do heal,
but not necessarily
fade the memories
of yesterday.